Death of the stupid
by Tracy-Lou
Summary: This is a humour fic involving Harry being the host of a game show which kills off a horrible character. With funny and strange stages. Slight spoilers for OOTP.
1. Introductions and Boos

**Title: Death of the stupid**

**Author: Tracy_Lou**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any other character.**

**A/N: This is a humour fic involving Harry being the host of a**

Game show which kills off a character (someone everyone hates).

Slight spoilers for OOTP. 

Chapter one – Introductions and Boos 

Harry: Hello everybody and welcome to 'Death of the stupid'. I'm your

host Harry Potter!

*Complete silence*

Harry: *whispering* this is the part where you're supposed to cheer. 

Audience: WOOOO!!! YAY!!!! BOO!!!!

Harry: Ron?!

Ron: *looks ashamed* Sorry.

Harry: That's better! Welcome everyone to my Game show, shall we 

meet the contestants? 

*Complete silence*

_Harry raises his fist threateningly _

Audience: YES!!! NO THEY SUCK!!

Ron: Sorry, had to be said!

_Hermione hits him_

Ron: You're so mean!

_Ron runs away crying_

Harry: *Cough* anyway, let's meet our first contestant, Severus

Snape!

_Snape walks on stage looking broody but in a 'I think I'm sexy' kinda _

_way__.  _

Audience: BOOO!!!!

A female voice: *Cat noise* 

Harry: Welcome!  Please tell us about yourself.

Snape: Well, I-

Harry: That's enough! Our next contestant is Voldemort or known to some as Tom!

Audience: BOOO!!!

Tom: Hello! I hate you all because I'm so evil. MWHAHAHAHAHA!!! 

Harry: *CoughPMSCough*

_Tom gives Harry a dirty look._

Harry: *Looks nervous* Ok, next is Peter!

_The audience throw cabbage and smelly cheese at him._

Peter: Hey! Watch it with the cheddar! 

Harry: Our next contestant is… Bellatrix.

_Bellatrix walks on stage and Harry almost strangles her but is restrained by Remus Lupin, who is Harry's bodyguard. _

Bellatrix: Why are you trying to hurt me? 

Harry: You killed my Godfather!

Audience and contestants: Yeah! You bitch!!

Sirius: Yeah! You killed me!

Remus: Sirius?! I thought you were dead!

Sirius: It's called magic.

*Blunt looks from everyone*

Sirius: Does nobody watch Buffy here?! 

*Blunt looks from everyone*

Sirius: Whatever. 

Harry: *Crying a little while he hugs Sirius* I'm ok, I'm ok. 

Harry: Our next contestant is Dolores! 

Dolores: Come on everyone cheer for me because I'm the best!

*Complete silence*

Harry: Anyway, our last contestant is Draco!

_Draco walks on stage and starts dancing and the audience goes wild._

Audience: GO DRACO! WE LOVE YOU!

Draco: Thank you my adoring fans! I love you too!

_He winks and blows a kiss. _

Harry: Right… Anyway, on with the game!

--------------------------

A/N: Hey! Did you like my first chapter? Please review! 


	2. Embarrassed idiots covered in fudge

Chapter 2 – Embarrassed idiots covered in fudge

Harry: The first stage of our Game is the obstacle course! Our contestants must slide down a small flume, jump over small hurdles and then jump in a tub of hot fudge and look for a fake golden snitch, then run back around the course hopping on one foot. 

*All the contestants stare open mouthed at Harry, causing Wormtail to drool slightly*

Harry: Right, who wants to go first?

*Everyone points at Snape*

Snape: Oh thanks!

Harry: Ok Snivellus, let's start!   

Snape: *Growling* Fine.

One of Snape's feet is on the ladder, the whistle blows and he climbs up very quickly, but then slips and falls.

Audience: Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!  

Snape: *hysterical* don't be mean! 

Harry: Get on with it you girl! 

Snape: Shut up!

Snape starts to climb the ladder but slower this time and slides down the flume. He jumps over three hurdles but trips on a few but manages to get to the tub of fudge. He dives in head first and no one sees him for a few seconds. He resurfaces covered in fudge with a scowl on his face but holding a foam snitch.

Audience: *Claps unenthusiastically*

Harry: Next is Bellatrix.

Bellatrix completes the flume and hurdles but refuses to jump in the tub of fudge. Sirius runs out and pushes her in. She steps out a few minutes later with the snitch. 

Harry: Right, Dolores you're next!

Dolores slides down the flume and trips on every hurdle and takes ages to find the snitch in the fudge, but eventually returns with no applause. 

Harry: Go Tom!

Tom does well for an evil bastard but gets burn marks from the fudge (even though it's not that hot). 

Harry: Peter.

Peter stumbles on the steps and gets into the slide but gets stuck halfway.

Audience: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! 

Remus brings out a long stick and pokes Peter in the flume who eventually manages to slide down. He trips over and falls flat on his face before he even jumps the first hurdle, he walks around them and jumps into the fudge head first (what an idiot) and finds the snitch. He holds it above his head triumphantly but then drops it and spends another five minutes looking for it. 

Harry: Last and definitely least, Draco.

*The audience screams*

Draco slides down the flume, jumps the hurdles perfectly and jumps into the fudge and starts dancing again whilst fudge is dripping down his body. 

Ron: Take it off!

*Everyone stares at Ron who looks like he hadn't said anything but still looks around the room whistling*

Draco becomes tired so he swims through the fudge and eventually finds the last snitch.

Harry: Well done everyone. The loser of that round was Peter for his cheating

*Everyone glares*

Harry: And Draco is the winner.

Audience: Yay!!!!!

Snape: That is sooo unfair!

Bellatrix: *sounding drunk* Ah shut up!

Tom: Right…

Bellatrix: What are you going on about Tommy boy?

Tom: Nothing *rolls eyes*

Bellatrix: Oi! 

Bellatrix pounces on Tom who is knocked onto the floor.

Tom: Stop trying to fu-

Harry: That's enough! I will not fucking have shitty bad fucking language on my show you bastard! 

Tom and Bellatrix get off of each other and look guiltily at the floor.

Bellatrix/Tom: *mumbling* Sorry…

Harry: That's better! The first stage of the game is complete but their not all this easy *glares at Peter* so get ready for some cake!

Audience: Huh? What?

Harry: *holding cake* what? I'm hungry! 

--------------------------

A/N: Another chapter down! Please review! Thank you to all of you who did and enjoyed reading. 


	3. Desires and Fears

Chapter 3 – Desires and fears

Harry finishes his cake and leaves the plate lying on the floor.

Harry: *Licking his lips* Right, onto the next event! It includes two stages; I will tell you the first. Inside this cupboard is a Boggart. You need to fight your worst fear. MWHAHAHAHA!!!! 

Harry: *Cough* Anyway, who would like to go first?

*Everyone points at Peter*

Peter: Noooooooooo!!!!

He runs away but slips on the plate Harry left on the floor.

Peter: Damn.

Harry: Ok Peter, your first.

Peter stands in front of the Boggart with his wand lifted; the cupboard door opens and out comes Peter's most terrible, horrifying fear… a book. 

Audience: HA HA HA HA!!!!!  

To add to the audience's amusement, it was a book called: "So you think you need a diet?"

Peter: *quivering* I'm scared!

Bellatrix: Ah shut up!

Harry: Stop bloody drinking you bitch!

Bellatrix: Language, Potter!

Harry: Why does everyone call me Potter?! My name is Harry!! STOP CALLING ME POTTER!!!!!

Bellatrix: Ok…

Meanwhile the diet book is opening in front of Peters face. 

Peter: Riddikulus! 

The book pages are ripped out and torn into tiny pieces.

Harry: Right, Snape!

Snape: Ok, POTTER!!!

Harry: *glares at Snape*

The Boggart changes into what Snape is most scared of… a shower! 

Snape: AHHHHH!!!! It's too horrible to describe!!!

Sirius: I think it's quite easy to describe. All you do is step inside and turn the switch and water comes out-

Snape: *covering ears and whimpering* Shut up!

Sirius: Then your whole body gets nice and clean and your hair will smell and look nice and fresh…

Snape: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Snape runs out of the studio screaming so someone else has to finish his Boggart.

Harry: Dolores!

Dolores' Boggart changes into… a chicken.

Harry: Ha ha ha! Now the chicken will get its own back for all those quills you made from its feathers!

Remus: Harry, what are you talking about? Quills aren't made from chicken feathers.

Harry: *shocked face* WHAT??!?!

Meanwhile Dolores is being chased by the chicken. 

Dolores: HELP ME!!!!  

Harry: Do you not understand the rules of this show? I can not help you in any way. So ha di ha to you!

Dolores: You're mean!! 

Harry: *smug look* well…

Eventually, Dolores manages to defeat the Boggart chicken and lets Tom have his turn.

Tom's Boggart is his eleven year old self wearing Gryffindor colours.

Tom: No! Please god no!

Harry: Grow up and hurry!

Tom: Fine, Riddikulus! 

The Gryffindor robes turn into Slytherin ones. 

Tom: Ah, that's better. 

Harry: Bellatrix you're next!

Bellatrix's Boggart is her body lying dead on the floor.

Sirius: You're scared of dying?! How do you think I felt!?! 

Bellatrix looks very interested in the floor.

Bellatrix: I dunno! I've never died before.

Sirius: Well, let me help you!

Remus: Sirius no! You're going to ruin the whole game! 

Sirius: Ok, I'm calm.

Bellatrix causes her Boggart to rise from the dead.

Harry: Well, that was boring!

Draco: Can I go now? 

Harry: Yes.

Draco: *Jumps up and down* yay!!! Thank you.

*Kisses Harry on the cheek*

Harry: *blushing* well thanks… 

Draco stands in front of the Boggart which turns into a ferret. 

Draco: Eeep! I'm frightened!

Audience: Awwww!!!

Dolores: Hey! Why didn't you aww me when I was being chased by a chicken?

Everyone raises their eyebrows as though it's obvious

Dolores: Oh right, I get it. 

Draco makes the ferret stand as still as a statue.

Harry: Well done! The next stage is the mirror of erised. We will give you Veritaserum beforehand so you can tell us truthfully what you see. 

Peter: But what if we start saying other truthful things?

Harry: All the more fun for me!

They are all given Veritaserum.

Draco: You're kinda hot Harry… 

Harry: Really? You think so? Cause I've started working out and-

Harry: Let's just start the game.

Snape: I'll go first.

Harry: Ah good your back now!

Snape: *stares guiltily at the floor* yes.

Snape stands in front of the mirror and admits to what he sees. 

Snape: I'm with Lilly and we're kissing underneath a big oak tree.

Harry: Oi!

Remus and Sirius restrain Harry.

Harry: Its ok, I'm alright. Bellatrix!

Bellatrix: I'm holding a beautiful baby girl with a big red bow in her hair.

Harry: *laughing* you want a baby? I can't picture that!

Bellatrix: *tears in her eyes* shut up! I'd make a great mum!

Harry: Sure…

Draco: Me now!

Draco: I'm kissing Harry within an inch of his life! 

Harry starts to blush a deep shade of red. 

Harry: Peter!

Peter: I'm thin! And gorgeous! 

Sirius: So technically, the complete opposite that you are now.

Peter glares at Sirius.

Sirius: What?! It's true!

Harry: You're next Dolores. 

Dolores: I'm headmistress at Hogwarts and everyone loves me and is bowing down at me. 

Remus: Keep dreaming…

Harry: Tom!

Tom: 

_Tom's dad: I love you Tom!_

_Tom: I love you daddy!_

_They both hug very tightly._

Tom: My daddy never loved me! *cries*

Harry: But you never loved him!

Tom: I know! But I would have if he had loved me! And if he wasn't a disgusting muggle. 

Harry: Right… Anyway, that's the end of event two!

-------------------------

A/N: I hope you enjoyed my chapter, please review! 


	4. The end of the weird one

Chapter four – The end of the weird one

Harry: Sadly, our show is coming to an end.

*Complete silence* 

Harry: You're meant to say aww! 

Audience: Awwwwwww!!!! 

Harry: That's better. Now the last event is a final plea from our contestants to say why they shouldn't die.

Contestants: WHAT?!!?!!

Harry: What?

Snape: Someone dies at the end of this show? 

Harry: Well duh!

Bellatrix: *sounds frightened* you never told us!

Harry: Well if I had you never would have agreed to come on the show would you? Then the ratings would drop and I'd be fired!

Peter: So that means as long as you're ok it doesn't matter but one innocent person has to die?

Sirius: Innocent?? You call yourselves innocent?

Sirius walks around and stands in front of each person to explain why their not innocent.

Sirius: Snape, you are horrible to every student who is not a Slytherin. Tom, you killed innocent people. Peter, you betrayed your best friends. Dolores, you tortured innocent students and are against some magical creatures and your really ugly and smell. Draco, well you're ok but you didn't used to be. Bellatrix, you killed me!

Bellatrix: But you're alive now!

Sirius: So?! For all you know, I could have died forever!

Bellatrix: But unfortunately you didn't! 

Sirius and Harry almost jumped on her but Remus stopped them.

Remus: Look, let's just get on with the show. Hopefully she'll die anyway and then you two won't go to Azkaban!

Snape: Won't all of you go to Azkaban for killing us?

Harry: No, everyone's fine with one of you dying. 

Snape: Oh…

Harry: Let's just get on with it! You have to plea to the audience who will then vote for who they want to die; the person with the most votes will be killed, quickly. Right, Tom you're first. 

Tom: Ok, what would be the point in killing me? I've already had a curse put on me so I'm a muggle so I'm no harm to anyone! I have a nice flat to live in and some good money coming in so I would like to live.

Harry: *yawning* are you quite finished?

Tom: Well, yes.

Harry: Thank god for that! Snape you're next.

Snape: Right well I think I've suffered enough in one lifetime and deserve to make the years I have left better. And if you don't kill me, I'll take a shower.

*Audience cheers* 

Harry: Nicely said. Peter!

Peter: Well… um… I am… well, I have many good qualities. I erm… well… just: PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!!!!!!!!! 

Harry: Oookk!! Draco you're next. 

Draco: I'm gorgeous.

Audience: WOOOOO!!!! WE LOVE YOU!!!! YOU'RE THE BEST!!!! 

Bellatrix: Is that it? What's so good about that? I don't think you're gorgeous, I think you're kinda ugly!  

*Audience gasps and growls* 

Harry: *glaring* be quiet… Dolores!

Dolores: Well, I think that I make a little more excitement to this world and I'm not as evil as some of the people standing here so I think I should be spared and die naturally as was intended. 

Harry: Right… last is Bellatrix. 

Audience: BOO!!! HISS!!! 

Bellatrix: Shut up! You know why I shouldn't die? Because I'm the only person in this world who has some intelligence. This show shouldn't be a popularity contest and the person who comes across better is 'gorgeous' (even though he's not) it should be the only person who can actually make something of their life and protect themselves over others. That person is me. 

Harry: Sure. Cast your votes! I'll announce the winner after the break. 

_After the break…_

Harry: Welcome back! We have counted the votes and I know who dies and let me tell you, I'm happy! The people who are not going to die are…

Draco

Snape

Peter

Dolores

Tom

So that means that BELLATRIX is the one who must die! Take her away!

Bellatrix: NOOOOOO!!! You stupid, scummy idiots!! How could you vote for me! I'm more superior then all of you put together! 

Harry: That's why. 

They drag her away and a scream is heard and the audience know that the job has been done. 

Audience: Yay!!!!!

Meanwhile, the remaining contestants are extremely happy. 

Draco: *crying tears of happiness* Thank you all! 

Draco blows kisses to the audience and gives Harry a big hug.

Harry: Er… Thank you.

Snape, Tom and Dolores are doing a little victory dance while Peter is smiling smugly. 

Peter: I knew it wouldn't be me. The audience are such idiots! 

He stands in front of the audience mocking their stupidity.

Peter: HA DI HA HA! I knew you wouldn't have me killed! I'm far too precious in this world. HA HA HA HA!!!!!

*BOOM*

A gun shot is fired and Peter lies dead upon the floor.

Audience: Yay!!!!!!

Harry: Who shot him?

Audience: Most of us!!!

Most of the audience put away their guns. 

Harry: Well, I'm glad the weird ones are gone! That is the end of the 'Death of the stupid' show. Goodbye!!!

Cheesy music plays while Snape and Tom dance with Dolores while Harry dances with Draco. 

THE END


End file.
